Faces of Midland: Mark & Tony
Faces of Midland is a collaborative storytelling project celebrating the vibrant lives of those who live, work, and thrive in Midland.
Love isn’t the Problem
Mark and Tony find love in a complicated world
By Trisha Fenby
Photo by Renee’ Deckrow, Captured Studio
As Mark Tolfree turned the corner, he saw the young girl stopped at the edge of his driveway, sitting patiently on her bike. He parked, stepped out of his car, and was met with a big wave and a smile. Then to his surprise, she asked, “Does that other guy live here with you?”
Mark nodded, and then paused, waiting for the dreaded question that he wasn’t sure how to answer. Will she ask me if he’s my husband? He dreads the question, not out of shame, but uncertainty. He didn’t know the neighbors well enough to tell their daughter the truth.
Mark Tolfree married Tony Lascari on July 29, 2014, in Illinois, because it wasn’t legal in Michigan yet. They both grew up in predominantly white, less diverse communities where cultural and sexual identities were not widely represented.
Growing up, Mark was the “diversity”, being one of the only students of Mexican heritage in his school. He didn’t dwell on that, but by the age of eight, he understood another truth; he is gay.
“The girls made more sense than the boys,” he recalls.
His sexual identity wasn’t talked about because everybody just knew. He was just “Mark”. He was sassy, athletic, surrounded by girls, and fast enough on the field that no one dared mess with him. Off the field, Mark had social awareness. For instance, to protect himself from any misunderstandings, and to keep others from feeling uncomfortable, he would use a different area of the locker room. This is one of the ways the LGBTQ community self-edit, the exhausting act of masking, depending on the environment.
Tony adds, “You think about what parts of ‘you’ people get to hear about”.
Tony’s path leading to his sexual identity was different. He really didn’t understand the feelings he was having until high school, and then he just avoided it. He hid his identity until college.
“It got to the point where I had to choose, either accept myself,” he paused, with a slight shrug, “or not survive.”
Having more exposure to what the gay world is helped him become more comfortable in knowing there is a place for him in the world. Prior to college, Tony’s only exposure to the gay community was what the media portrayed.
Mark and Tony met 13 years ago at Starbucks in Midland. One year after they were dating, at the end of the pier in Tony’s hometown, as the sun was setting, he proposed to Mark. He made a photo book of their first year together. The end of the book simply said, “Will you marry me? Check Yes or No”.
While they were legally married in Illinois, they held a celebration here with their friends and family. The community was accepting. Their only pushback was from a state representative that had different views and expressed those publicly in local media.
Because Tony had a public image in Midland, and had been here for several years, he was openly out. The comment on his marriage was a surprise to many, but it raised some fear in Tony. What other types of attacks could happen. Shortly after, there were nails thrown under his car tires and several other people’s cars near his place of employment. While nothing was ever proven, the question will always remain if this was a related incident.
Both men value friendship, honesty, trust, and communication. They both feel that being kind is important, and thinking about other people’s perspectives helps you have a deeper understanding of them. They feel that most misconceptions about gays stem from religious beliefs.
Mark adds, “We’re just regular people. Finding someone that you’re in love with is a beautiful thing. There’s nothing evil or bad about it.”
Mark and Tony realize that they have accepting family and friends. Many queer people aren’t so fortunate. So instead, they build their own support network, through friendships or neighbors. After talking with the neighbor girl’s parents following the interaction in the driveway, Mark and Tony found something important for every community: people who see them and accept them. When you find that, you hold on tight.